The book There is No Good Family by Nihan Kaya begins with the statement “Childhood is hell.” In my opinion, this sentence, right after the book’s title, is the second sentence that deserves to win the author a courage award. Childhood is hell because the child is unaware of the wrongdoings and abuse imposed upon them by adults. Within the so-called sacred family, hell is experienced in various forms by those they love the most. After all, this is a place where questioning the sacred is unthinkable, and thus, under the guise of the sacred, anything can be done. In this context, the author examines the family—the most fundamental sacred element of traditional society—from the child’s perspective, free of entrenched subjective judgments. She uses a deconstructionist method to question concepts, the cycles we live in, and most importantly, the traditional bonds we consider indispensable.
Every Child is an Individual
Of course, societal structures don’t change easily. Traditional bonds shape our worldview in various versions regardless of our life perspective or socio-cultural level. There is No Good Family speaks not only to those who blame their families and surroundings for their failures in life but also to those who don’t want to question the childhood they view as a strong foundation and, as a result, their relationship with their own children. Because There is No Good Family emphasizes that we need to rethink our communication with children while also encouraging us to take a persistent look at the balance between our inner child and our role as parents. The formula that makes the book striking, in my opinion, is that Nihan Kaya’s child-centered perspective feels incredibly sincere. She doesn’t reduce the child nor glorify them. She portrays the child exactly as they are.
The Danger in Our Communication with Children
The book primarily revolves around two major dangers in our communication with children. The first is that everything we give to a child, starting from infancy, leaves a mark far beyond our predictions, and in adulthood, the child will likely face life tests based on the scars left by their relationship with their family. This has been addressed in psychology throughout history, especially in recent decades, and has become increasingly acknowledged in the personal development world. Kaya’s child-partiality in her narrative helps us truly see things from the child’s point of view. It is a fact that we can never truly recall the feelings of childhood in their intensity; to feel them as intensely as a child does, we must be as defenseless and fragile as they are. This helps us understand why childhood wounds can be so long-lasting and deep enough to shape an entire life. The second proposition of the book focuses on revealing the adult’s issues. Raising a child, Kaya says, is a confrontation with one’s own childhood. This is what sets There is No Good Family apart from other books on the subject. Nihan Kaya’s honest confrontation with the values imposed by society, while questioning the sanctity of motherhood, is what truly adds value to this book.
Childhood is the Center of Lifelong Wounds
There is No Good Family deconstructs the hierarchy in child-adult relationships, highlighting the enormous impact this inequality has on children. The book’s first striking point is that it speaks to the child from a place of empathy. It doesn’t describe the child from an elevated perspective; instead, it speaks to them as if we were at eye level with them. This perspective makes us realize how much damage the hierarchical relationship imposes on the child and how it shapes them in ways that differ from what they should be. Kaya asks us to imagine ourselves in a world of giants, comparing possible forms of both concrete and abstract violence. By doing this, she reminds us how a child perceives everything done to them as “normal,” how they justify authority, and how fragile and vulnerable they are. Parents may get angry with their child, but a child cannot get angry at their parents. Parents may criticize their child, but a child cannot criticize their parents. Every emotional state directed towards the child is expected to be absorbed by the child like a sponge. In such a situation, the child fills with guilt when setting boundaries and distances themselves from their true self. Kaya suggests that, in fact, the one who loves unconditionally is not the parents, but the child.
Respect is Not the Same as Obedience
There is No Good Family reminds us that respect and obedience are not the same thing. Respect is mutual; obedience is hierarchical. “How can a child who is not respected learn to respect others?” (p.27). The phrase “be respectful” in our society essentially legitimizes “bowing down” under the guise of respect. Children raised with obedience are inclined to see others not as individuals, but as extensions of themselves through a narcissistic perspective. The traditional education given by parents, with constant interventions, leads to the creation of individuals who are inclined to obey without taking responsibility for their own actions. As a result, we suffer in a dysfunctional society filled with individuals who cannot take responsibility for their lives, cannot find meaning, and live in a state of fear or cruelty. Those who were oppressed as children by adults, who did not receive enough emotional support and respect, are often eager to oppress the weaker once they find an opportunity. This is closely related to societal issues such as the increase in street animal violence and femicides, which we shy away from confronting. Our tendency to submit to authority reflects our fear of individualization and independence.
Those Who Love the Most Harm the Most
The most harm to a child is caused by those who love them the most—this is a traumatic wound that is hard to heal, and its effect lasts a lifetime. A child being abused by their parents or other adults, instead of receiving love and acceptance, experiences rejection and violence, which constitutes the primary destruction. Kaya also highlights how the issue of respecting the child is ignored in our society. Respecting the child’s thoughts, emotions, and preferences is often overshadowed by violence and abuse. Kaya talks about how failing to respect the child’s personhood and ignoring their needs hinders their ability to make decisions later in life. The book encourages us to look at even the smallest gestures, such as forcing a child to eat or telling them to wear a jacket when they’re cold, from a different perspective. These actions prevent children from recognizing their own emotions and needs. Eventually, they lose the ability to hear the most accurate voice within them—because they stop asking themselves what they truly need. Ironically, adulthood is spent searching for this silenced voice as we seek our true potential. Depression, anxiety, and lack of self-confidence are issues that stem from losing this inner voice in childhood.
Our Relationship with Our Child is a Confrontation with Our Childhood
Another key proposition in There is No Good Family is that the relationship between parents and children is actually a confrontation with their own childhood. This is why Kaya says, “those who cannot be good parents to themselves cannot be good parents to their children” (p.83). Adults show their most unhealthy sides to their children. The relationship between our inner parent and child, and thus our true selves, emerges when we have children (p.51). This is because the child is the easiest target for an adult to project their undesirable aspects onto. Kaya emphasizes that educating a child without establishing an emotional connection leads to them distancing themselves from their true self. She also critiques the idea of “owning” the child, noting that the child’s soul does not belong to the parent. This viewpoint changes the entire dynamic of communication with the child. She critiques the idea of the child as a “possession” and emphasizes that the child’s existence and personality should be respected.
