\u201cWhen a broken arm heals inside the sleeve, the bones misalign and cause lifelong pain and restricted movement.\u201d<\/p>\n
This book is quite difficult to promote. That\u2019s why, all I want to say is \u201cRead it, you will understand what I mean.\u201d<\/p>\n
Firstly, the book brings down everything considered \u201csacred,\u201d starting with the mother, parents, school, teachers, society, state, beliefs (religious or ideological), and continues by examining them on Earth. Everything is open for questioning. As you read, you start to realize how these sacred values serve the system\u2019s continuity. These questions can begin with ourselves, if we are lucky. I say \u201cif we are lucky,\u201d because since the very first years of childhood, our inner voice has been silenced. If we have betrayed ourselves to win the \u201clove\u201d of our parents, how can we hear that inner voice? If we mistake the voice of authority (parents, society, etc.) for our own, how can we engage in self-examination? How can a parent who cannot hear their own child\u2019s voice hear the child\u2019s voice?<\/p>\n
The author says that, as a result, the child learns to obey by betraying themselves, by respecting adults. “Obedience is the child\u2019s betrayal of themselves,\u201d and “A person who betrays themselves can easily betray others,” the author continues. The book cites many important figures from the field of trauma and delves into not so obvious but deeply ingrained cultural traumas that shape an individual\u2019s personality. It raises awareness by discussing the formation processes of these traumas that may go unnoticed. \u201cCulture is the family of the family,\u201d the author states. When there is a hierarchy, real respect cannot exist. At home, the child\u2019s position as \u201cthe other\u201d is painfully apparent.<\/p>\n
Through these subtle and visible traumas, the book explains the psychodynamics with the help of citations and everyday life examples, making it easy for the reader to understand. The reader inevitably starts looking inward.<\/p>\n
A metaphor, for example: the saying \u201cAn arm breaks but stays inside the sleeve\u201d symbolizes how an individual is subdued right from the start, preventing them from facing the necessary confrontation with themselves for healing. \u201cWhen a broken arm heals inside the sleeve, the bones misalign and cause lifelong pain and restricted movement.\u201d Isn’t that striking?<\/p>\n
The author also touches upon the societal gender roles imposed on men and women, and the children and adults crushed beneath them. But the focus is mainly on children because, after all, children didn\u2019t ask to be born. The author sharply criticizes the \u201cunforgiving\u201d nature of this burden placed on them by adults. The author discusses how the suffering woman, unable to fulfill her role, transmits this trauma to her daughters, perpetuating it in an unhealthy manner.<\/p>\n
The book consists of four sections.<\/p>\n
The first chapter is titled “Childhood is Hell,” and the book opens with this line. It continues with a quote from Hallac-\u0131 Mansur: \u201cHell is not the place where we suffer, it\u2019s the place where no one sees our suffering.\u201d<\/p>\n
From the moment a child is born, they need unconditional love and acceptance, as essential as air and water. The author stresses that parents should not raise their children according to their own needs and whims but rather according to the child\u2019s needs. The importance of recognizing the child as an individual from birth is emphasized. The author points out that the phrase “Is that a child in front of you?” is a belittling expression.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecoming a mother brings all of one\u2019s traumas, complexes, weaknesses, and past disappointments right into the mirror.\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s not the child who is problematic, it\u2019s the parents who are,\u201d says the author. The parent is not the one who unconditionally loves, forgives, and has infinite tolerance\u2014the child is.<\/p>\n
In Turkey, the concept of \u201crespect\u201d is emptied of meaning. Respect is used to legitimize disrespect, confused with obedience. Where there is respect, there is no hierarchical relationship. Unfortunately, respect is often least found in environments that lack it. If a clich\u00e9 is needed, \u201crespect for the child\u201d would be a more accurate clich\u00e9 than \u201crespect for the elders.\u201d<\/p>\n
The book also discusses how forcing patients to forgive their parents in psychotherapy is related to the therapist\u2019s upbringing. It uses quotes from Alice Miller, who the author frequently cites: \u201cForgiving is covering it up.\u201d In this context, we also see how Freud contributed to this cover-up. According to the author, one does not need to forgive their parents in order to become a mature individual. \u201cThe one who suffers is the one who is expected to sacrifice even after the harm.\u201d<\/p>\n
The second section of the book is \u201cThe History of Modern Education.\u201d It explores the history of raising obedient individuals for the system, introduces the Montessori Schools as positive examples, and demonstrates how creative children can be when allowed to express themselves.<\/p>\n
The third chapter is titled \u201cMaternity Wards are for the Doctors, Not for the Mothers and Babies.\u201d<\/p>\n
The fourth and longest section contains many citations, which may make the reader eager to read the books the author cites. The final chapter is quite lengthy, and like this promotional text, it seems impossible to finish it.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s better if I simply list a few of the 31 books and two films cited by the author, based on what I\u2019ve managed to count. I\u2019ve already started reading the author\u2019s \u201cThere Is No Perfect Society,\u201d which complements “There is No Perfect Family,\u201d and it\u2019s just as captivating.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen a broken arm heals inside the sleeve, the bones misalign and cause lifelong pain and restricted movement.\u201d This book is quite difficult to promote. That\u2019s why, all I want to say is \u201cRead it, you will understand what I mean.\u201d Firstly, the book brings down everything considered \u201csacred,\u201d starting with the mother, parents, school, teachers, society, state, beliefs (religious or ideological), and continues by… <\/p>\n