In her book “There Is No Such Thing as a Good Family,” Nihan Kaya challenges the conventional perception of childhood. She argues that childhood has been romanticized for generations, whereas in reality, it is often a period of helplessness and distress.

“There Is No Such Thing as a Good Family” is Kaya’s tenth book. It can be described as a guide to understanding the inner child. Published as part of İthaki’s psychology series, the book is not only for parents but for anyone seeking self-awareness. Although Turkish readers know Kaya from her psychology-based novels, she has also published numerous psychological studies on art and literature in English. With a background in psychoanalysis from the University of Essex, she has conducted children’s workshops and literary seminars in cities like London and Dublin.

Childhood Is Perceived as a Happy Time, Yet You Claim It’s the Worst Period of Life. Why?

One of the reasons we long for childhood is that we have been taught to do so. As Attila İlhan states in his novel Zenciler Birbirine Benzemez: “No one is happy just like that. Someone comes and tells them, ‘You are happy,’ and they believe it.” Childhood has been idealized for generations. We are told that it is a time of joy, so we believe it. This unquestioned belief prevents us from seeing the harsh realities of childhood. Because of the widespread myth that childhood is a happy time, we remain blind to both children’s suffering and our own past experiences. When we look at the intellectual world, we see that many great thinkers, such as Kafka and many skilled filmmakers, highlight that childhood is not as blissful as commonly assumed but rather a period of vulnerability and powerlessness. The belief that childhood was a happy time hinders us from identifying the roots of our struggles in adulthood.

Why Is Childhood an Unhappy Period?

Let me give you an example. Maybe your teacher never hit or scolded you, but you probably witnessed another child being punished in class. In a classroom or a family, whatever happens to one child happens to all. Children intuitively understand that they belong to the ‘child’ side in the adult-child power structure. They perceive anything inflicted upon another child as something that could also happen to them. A child in that environment internalizes guilt even when another child is blamed for something. When an adult strikes another adult, we intervene. But when an adult hits a child, we often remain silent. And yet, the one who is vulnerable and more likely to suffer lasting harm is the child. If an adult willingly accepted being beaten without resisting, we would find it disturbing. However, when a child obediently extends their palm for a teacher’s ruler, we don’t question it. Any person who has witnessed such a scene in childhood and not recognized its absurdity has experienced an unhappy childhood. Accepting such mistreatment as normal is itself a form of abuse. The ruler can be replaced with a harsh look, scolding, or criticism—the effect is the same.

Why Do You Say There Is No Such Thing as a Good Family? That Sounds Hopeless.

For thousands of years, the world has repeated the phrase “There is no such thing as a good child,” and yet no one has felt hopeless because of it. I argue that this belief is the root of much of the world’s cruelty. In my book, I explain in detail how all forms of harm stem from this seemingly harmless statement. Readers will realize that the book does not simply claim “There is no such thing as a good family” but rather questions the conventional definition of a ‘good family.’ To avoid misunderstandings, we added a clarification in the book’s subtitle: “A good family is the one that acknowledges there is no such thing as a good family.” We fail to grasp the reality of childhood because we view it through an adult’s lens. To understand childhood, we must first recognize how flawed our institutionalized concept of family is. My book has one goal: to see reality from the child’s perspective because a child’s truth is not what we have been taught.

Who Is a Child? To Society? To Parents? To Themselves?

A child perceives themselves as their parents see them. However, for most parents, a child is someone who must be shaped to fit society’s expectations. The real problem is that the world is built on a fundamentally flawed system.

How Much Exposure Should a Child Have to Love and Violence?

Any negative expression, even something as subtle as a frown, can cause permanent harm to a child’s brain. What adults call “love” is often not love at all. It is impossible to be “too kind” to a child. Love and kindness never spoil a child. What we label as “spoiled behavior” is often the result of the child being emotionally mistreated under the guise of love. In my book, I discuss how parental love is often sufficient in quantity but lacking in quality.

You Mention That a Child Perceives a Threat as If It Has Already Happened. But Isn’t a Child an Active Being? They Think, Challenge, and Resist. My Son, for Example, Says, “You Wouldn’t Dare” When I Try to Discipline Him.

Yes, when a child is threatened, they don’t perceive it as something that has already occurred, but as something that could become real at any moment. A healthy child resists, but not all resistance is truly healthy. I once saw a student climb onto the classroom’s blackboard, laughing. The teacher called it “spoiled behavior.” Yes, climbing onto a blackboard is not inherently amusing. But in an environment where children see it as an act of defiance, it means there are strict rules imposed by teachers. A child who is treated as an equal does not feel the need to behave rebelliously. A child who is respected naturally learns to respect others. When a child says, “You wouldn’t dare,” it still indicates they recognize the adult’s authority. Imagine an adult saying the same thing to a child—the meaning completely changes. A child who says this is still acknowledging the adult’s power, just like children who rebel against authority while subconsciously internalizing it.

You Define Depression as the Inner Parent Sabotaging the Inner Child. Why Has Depression Become So Prevalent Despite Increased Awareness Among Parents?

In the book, I explain that the inner mother and father are not limited to real parents—parenthood and childhood exist within every system and institution. Yes, today’s parents are more aware. However, new authority figures have emerged in different forms. Everyone has an inner voice, and depression is when this inner voice turns against the self. Now, both internal and external authorities are harsher and more numerous. If we lived in small tribal communities, depression would not be as common. The issue is not just the presence of parents but the structure of the world itself.

Modern Education Crushes the Child’s Soul. We Are Aware Yet Still Complicit. Education Is Necessary, But How Can a Child Survive It With Minimal Damage?

The more a child is respected at home, the more they can recognize mistreatment elsewhere. The real tragedy for a child is not just experiencing injustice, but failing to recognize it as such. If a child cannot distinguish right from wrong and accepts whatever treatment they receive as normal, they are vulnerable to harm. The key to a child’s emotional and physical well-being is their ability to recognize when something is unjust.