Since 2005, Nihan Kaya, who has presented conference papers and delivered talks in different places across Europe and America in the fields of literature and psychology, and has published psychology-related novels in Turkish and art and literature-related psychology texts in English, has released her 10th book “İyi Aile Yoktur” (There is No Such Thing as a Good Family) by İthaki Publishing.

“When I look around, no matter where I look, I see children whose cheeks get plumper every day, whose clean, ironed clothes are carefully put on them every day, kept warm, while their personalities, born to be a ‘person’ and continuously wishing to become a ‘person,’ are more and more crushed, damaged, their bodies grow but their souls deteriorate, weaken, die, are exploited, tortured—children who suffer in this way. To fix this situation, I feel I have no choice but to write a book like this, building upon what I’ve already written, and to ask those who read these lines to tell everyone they can reach about these matters, to spread these words to everyone I can reach, by any means. “İyi Aile Yoktur” sheds light on our mental attitudes that unconsciously normalize these behaviors, blocking the improvement of the parent-child relationship. It explains through many real-life examples how we can guide a child without intervening in their personality, where our boundaries as parents/teachers end and the child’s boundaries begin, topics that are very difficult to solve.”

Nihan Kaya explains why she wrote her book “İyi Aile Yoktur” (There is No Such Thing as a Good Family). “Most people, when they interact with their child, are unaware that they are actually interacting with themselves. Each of us has an inner mother, father, and child. Strong psychology is the psychology in which our inner child is strong and respected, and for that, we must parent our inner child properly. All of our problems stem from the fact that we parent ourselves incorrectly,” says Kaya. We asked her some questions we were curious about.

You titled your book “There is no such thing as a good family, or the paradox is, the good family is the one that can say ‘There is no such thing as a good family.’” What changes when we say “There is no such thing as a good family”?

Everything. There is a huge difference between the approach to a child of someone who says “There is no such thing as a good family” and someone who says “Family is always good, whatever parents do, they do it for the child’s benefit, so they are right.” In fact, this difference is the critical point when it comes to how a child is treated.

Isn’t “There is no such thing as a good family” a harsh statement?

We don’t realize it, but for centuries, we’ve been saying “There is no such thing as a good child.” That doesn’t seem harsh to us. Isn’t that interesting?

The book makes us reconsider many things about family and children that we have accepted without question. In fact, while reading it, we could say that all the established ideas surrounding family are turned upside down.

We don’t realize how contradictory our view of children is. On one hand, we say “Children are innocent, children are born sinless.” On the other hand, we believe that a baby owes its mother for the milk it drinks. The issue is that a child comes into this world unaware of everything. Your child doesn’t give birth to you; as a couple, you bring a child into the world by your free will. You know that in the early years, a child is a being that is highly dependent on care. If you can’t face the difficulty of taking care of a child, you have the choice to not bring a child into the world. But a child has no such choice, no such will.

In your book, you give an example: A baby is the most dependent creature when born. We know this, and if we found an abandoned baby, we wouldn’t leave it there to die.

Exactly. As long as we don’t leave it without someone to care for it, we will feed it, raise it. It is our duty as humans. If someone behaves differently, we would think of that person as a monster. Even if the baby wasn’t a relative, we wouldn’t say to it, “You owe me your life. I raised you, I fed you, I changed your diapers, I took care of you. Without me, you would’ve died.” How ugly would that be, right? But we say this to our child. We bring them into the world. They are the result of our actions. So how can we think it’s normal to say such things to our child?

In your book, you say, “Children are not born indebted to anyone.”

We can be indebted to someone if we ask them for something, but if someone does something for us without us asking, they have no right to say, “I did these things for you, now you owe me.” If it were like that, it would be very easy to control others whenever we feel like it.

When we say, “There is no such thing as a good family,” how should we see the child?

Every parent, consciously or unconsciously, harms their child. Being a good parent starts with accepting this truth. Everyone who takes care of a child knows it is impossible to meet all of a child’s needs. A mother ignoring her crying baby might seem strange to us from the outside, but the mother’s reality is different from ours. But here’s the issue: Let’s say a mother openly makes a mistake with her child. There are two possibilities here: either she will admit it by saying “Yes, I made a mistake,” or she will deny it with the statement “I’m the mother!” Mothers often say, “Do you know what I went through? Come spend a day with me and then talk!” This is denying the mistake. This attitude blocks the relationship with the child, closing all possible paths for improvement. Saying “Yes, I made a mistake. Mothers can make mistakes with their children too,” creates a huge difference in the relationship with the child. Only this way can we rectify or improve our mistakes.

You’ve also said, “We should never feel guilty towards our children or parents. What’s healthy is not guilt, but sadness.”

Guilt brings denial with it. For example, when a parent feels guilty inside, they often deny making a mistake openly. If we are sincerely sad about something that has already happened, there is no denial. This way, we don’t get stuck in the same mistake. Even though we can’t change what’s already happened, we can fix the future.

In the book, you explain that the things we think harm children the most aren’t the things that actually do. We learn that the things that harm children the most are things we never expected, and we realize that we’ve never seen children from this perspective. Could you explain that a bit more?

My aim in the book is to make the reality of children and childhood more understandable. Because we can only understand ourselves better through this. We cannot understand our current problems without understanding our childhood. We still give too much importance to physical motherhood. When we think of a “good mother,” we imagine one who makes nice meals, dresses the child in clean clothes, and keeps the house tidy and organized. A woman trying to be a good wife and a good mother often doesn’t realize she’s actually harming herself and her child. Trying to be a “good mother/father” prevents us from truly getting to know and understand our child, and wears us out unnecessarily. Children don’t expect perfect houses or gourmet meals from you. Their material expectations aren’t high at all, as long as their emotional needs are met. Have you ever seen someone complain about their childhood saying, “My mom used to burn the rice, we only had one kind of food”? No one remembers their childhood as bad or painful because of things like this.

“The only thing you can do for your child’s happiness is to make them feel valued.” What are the ways to do this, or where do we start?

Absolutely! A child sees themselves the way their parents see them. From the moment they fall into the womb, what they desperately need is to be accepted for who they are. Therefore, we should never block our child’s expression of any negative emotion, whether it’s crying, anger, or sadness. If we give the message “I accept you when you are calm/happy, but I don’t accept your crying/anger,” we are actually telling the child that we don’t accept them for everything they are. You allow yourself to be angry with your child, but let your child be angry with you too. Just try to understand why they’re angry. Behavior is only a result; by identifying the source, we can change behaviors. Banning anger or any other emotion doesn’t eliminate that emotion. Even if a child learns to avoid expressing negative emotions, these issues will continue in the long run. In fact, all of a child’s negative behaviors are a result of their desire to prove themselves. When a child feels they have proven themselves and achieved something, these behaviors naturally disappear.

Yavuz Demircan
November 15, 2018